The Numi toilet is a throne fit for a constipated king
Since I got an iPad, I have been able to easily spend a good part of the morning sat on the lavatory, catching up on news and sinking just one more putt in Super Stickman Golf. But if I somehow managed to install Kohler's Numi toilet in my ancient, crumbling bathroom I'd probably spend the entire day in there (I might also need to install an opening window).
What makes the Numi so special that Kohler calls it its "most advanced toilet"? Pretty much everything, that's what. When you first enter the bathroom you can wave a hand like Ben Kenobi and the lid and seat will lift. Then you can settle onto the seat, which is heated to your preferred temperature.
Vents at floor level send out warm air to keep your feet warm as you catch up on the latest tech news on your tablet computer, and glowing light panels illuminate the room softly enough that you don't see distracting reflections in your glossy screen.
As you empty your bowels, you can do so to the soundtrack of your choice, thanks to the built-in speakers with FM radio and input jack. I prefer Wagners's Ride of the Valkyries, but Brian Eno's 1/1 would be more soothing.
Then, when you are done, the bidet kicks into action, swooshing your nether regions with pulsating or oscillating water jets (or a combination of both). An air dryer will then take over, and finally a deodorizer sucks foul air through a charcoal filter. All you need to do is pull up your pants.
The Numi comes with its own touch-screen remote, which sits in a magnetic docking station. Should you accidentally flush the remote, there are a few buttons on the toilet itself which control the basic functions. Finally, the settings can be customized for each person in the house.
How much will this amazing throne cost you? That's the $64,000 question. Actually, it's the $6,400 question ($6,400 is the answer). You'll probably save that much in 100 years, just by not buying toilet paper.
Oh, and you really, really have to go see the video on the product page. The Numi is placed in a glass-walled room which overlooks the city at night, and the camera swoops sensuously around the toilet and a waiting man and woman. It's a hilarious attempt to make taking a dump look sexy.
Numi product page [Kohler via Uncrate]
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